Faux* News: County Clerk Defiance Movement Spreads

Faux News Exclusive Report, September 3, 2015

Inspired by Kentucky clerk Kim Davis county clerks in Arkansas, Kansas, and South Carolina announced that they, too, had sincere religious and moral reservations and joined in the movement to refuse executing parts of their jobs.    Four clerks in three states have announced religious objections to certain governmental acts and have cited Davis and Republican candidates' statements as justification and encouragement for their decisions.

The three areas of religious objection involve interfaith marriage, concealed carry permits, and interracial marriage.

Ted Cruz, Texas Senator and candidate for president said "Today, for the first time ever, the government arrested a Christian woman for living according to her faith.   This is wrong.  This is not America."  Robert "Bobby" Sewell, county clerk in Boone County, Arkansas cited the encouragement of Cruz in his statement and agreed with Cruz.  "Right and wrong is spelled out in the Bible. This is America, not Kenya," Sewell said.  

"I am obeying God's law," Sewell said in a prepared statement on the Boone County courthouse steps.   Sewell said he was encouraged by Davis but the catalyst was the engagement of the son of a long time family friend to a Catholic girl.  "The pope is the anti-Christ, and Catholics consider the anti-Christ the head of their church.   I cannot support a marriage that causes a protestant evangelical to marry into the church of Satan.  So I'm not issuing that marriage license.   When Catholics marry each other the damage is already done. They are keeping it in the family and will see hell together.   But when a Catholic draws in a boy from a good family of good churchgoer, I just can't live with my conscience."

Sewell said that the young man refused a marriage license was well known to Sewell and his family and had done lawn and pruning work for Sewell in the past.   He said he didn't know the girl and had no animosity toward her personally other than that she "was Catholic and going to hell."

Johnson County, Kansas county clerk Allison Roberts and assistant clerk Lucy Williamson  said they had seen too much gun violence to turn a blind eye to the damage caused by "the free for all in gun ownership."   They published a joint announcement that beginning September 2, 2015 they would no longer issue concealed carry permits, as authorized by Kansas law.  "People think it is cool to 'pack', Roberts said.  "Jesus said we should turn the other cheek," Roberts and Williamson said in a hastily called press conference.   "People get liquored up, get into some argument, then shoot somebody.  Black people, white people, everyone.   They get a pit bull and they get a gun and they walk around looking for fights.   The gun stuff is totally against my religion and I'm not going to issue any more permits, period."

Salem County South Carolina clerk Paul Robertson said he believed races were never meant to mix and cites the story of Noah and the Arc as his biblical justification.   "The different animals went on two by two.   White folks, black folks, yellow folks all of them, different continents, different people. But now they are getting all mixed together like Tiger Woods and Obama and other mongrel hybrid mixups."   Robertson said his opposition to inter-racial marriage was not based on racism but on the Bible, and that opposition to race mixing was a deep southern heritage.  "The Bible was clear and my loyalty is to God.  And to tradition."

Governor Huckabee, a strong supporter of Kim Davis, upon hearing of the movement said he fully endorsed people obeying Bible law.   "But I have to disagree with the Kansas people, who have stepped over the line.   Gun ownership and the right to bear arms means just what it says, the right to bear arms.   Jesus wanted people to protect life and liberty," Huckabee said.   "That means it is right to protect yourself and your family and community.   Sometimes that means using your God given right to a gun, to protect the innocent."   The Kansas county clerk action refusing concealed carry permits elicited universal condemnation from Republican candidates.

County clerks supporting the defiance movement have formed a Facebook group and have received 42,000 "friends" within 30 hours of its formation.  At this writing these 4 officials have formally announced their religious objections and intent to defy court orders, but comments in the Facebook page are urging other clerks to follow the example of Sewell and Robertson.   Comments on the Kansas clerks refusing gun permits have been overwhelmingly negative.

(Legal notice:   Per free legal advice from my in-house legal counsel I wish to note that the word "Faux" is French for False.   The quotation from Ted Cruz is accurate.  He really said that.   The rest of this is made up.  Pretend.  Faux.  But, Jeeze, if Kim Davis can exercise her "right" both to keep her job and refuse to do it, and be supported by presidential candidates, it only seems reasonable that other county clerks who oppose other things might want to get onto the bandwagon.  What kind of gun would Jesus carry?  Handgun?  AR-15?  Would he carry his own ammunition or have a disciple carry it for him, so he would have his hands free for blessing people?)